Specific people who came to mind as needing something in particular. Then there were the occasions when the Spirit seemed to show me what I should pray for. But how can I demand when I don’t know what I should pray for? Or when I want something but I’m not sure whether I should ask for it? Then Jesus comes along and says “ask, and it will be given you.” Jesus teaches praying with persistence, vehemence, almost a spirit of demanding things from God and not relenting until he yields. Requesting healing for others was one thing, but what about me? If I was sick, should I pray for my own healing? Didn’t God know what I needed, and wouldn’t he do what was best for me anyway? Shouldn’t I just leave it in His hands and not pray for anything? This line of thinking came to a head in thinking about praying for healing-which seemed to be a main topic in congregational prayers, a list of the sick and a request for healing. What was going on here anyway? Were we, like whiny children, trying to cajole God into giving us things we wanted but that he didn’t really want us to have because they weren’t best for us? And didn’t God already know what we need better than we did? Wouldn’t he give us what was best for us anyway, whether or not it was what we had asked for? Do I repeat the same rote phrases? Do I try to think of something new that sounds good and is well expressed? (What does it mean to “bless the food unto our bodies” anyway?) Eventually I avoided public prayer when possible, and if not possible I could only pray brief, pointed prayers, saying the minimum necessary, not multiplying words. Dinnertime prayers were a prime example of uncomfortableness. Now I had to say things in a way that would please the audience-and God, I suppose-and to ask for a shopping list of needs and desires. Later, when I had to pray out loud in front of groups myself, I disliked it even more.
I didn’t often connect much with the prayers themselves-they seemed at times to use flowery language addressed more to the congregation than to God, at other times to be a list of things we would like to get from God. It was a time when I could legitimately close my eyes for a few minutes (hopefully without head nodding, of course). When I was growing up, sitting in a long, boring church service, counting bricks, counting tiles, studying how the beams support the roof, I looked forward to the congregational prayer. So I say to you, Ask, and it will be given you search, and you will find knock, and the door will be opened for you.
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